My intention when I started this blog was to write 1-2 blog entries weekly, but then life happened. February was TERRIBLE, just awful, no good, a thank-God-you’re-done month. There was tragedy and marital upheaval, illness and exhaustion. I am not giving up though. A few years ago, I would have deleted everything, pretend it never happened and chalked it up to just another failure. I am inspired by bloggers and activists who have started an online community and admit to when they are struggling. It’s ok to struggle, it sucks, but we have permission. I have permission to feel overwhelmed, permission to step back, and permission to rest.
With that said, I’m trying something new this week! New things scare me, more like terrify. I still have an underlying fear of people seeing through me. That they might actually see my pain, see my experiences, see how I am different. They will see the “real” me and judge me. As paranoid as that sounds, it is honest and authentic, this feels very intimidating. But I am in DIRE need of fun. I am in need of human contact that isn’t too serious. We have a local shop that offers art classes. Usually these art classes involve painting a specific scene, but this week, it is a sculpture! *pause for ooo and ah’s* We will be making a wire sculpture that can be used in a garden (or whatever) of a fairy. This excites me because I have been wanting to create a whimsical garden next to my patio on a hillside area for…like…ever. This year is the year! Well maybe…but whenever I develop this garden I WILL have a handmade fairy to add to the mix AND hopefully know how to make more. This is a big deal y’all, BIG! I am going by myself. I am doing an art project with zero artistic talent, I’m like an art troll. I need this! Did I mention I am going by myself? I am full of surprises.
I have another new experience coming up in a few weeks. April is Sexual Violence Awareness Month and locally we hold a march through downtown called “Take Back the Night.” Participants meet at different locations in the city marching with signs and chanting toward a central location. There we listen to speakers and learn about services to help those who are victims of sexual violence. The stage then opens up for volunteers to speak and tell their story. This year I will be speaking. Do you guys have any idea how nervous I am! ACK! I’m really more anxious than nervous. I want to focus more on a specific issue and encourage others to speak up and be a voice more than talk about what actually happened to me. If this goes well, I plan on joining a team of volunteers who work with the rape crisis center and speak to our state congress about funding and laws on this issue. I have been wanting to do that for years but couldn’t, because I wasn’t ready. These things take time. If you rush the process, you risk hurting the cause more than helping it. I have to be strong to do this! I feel ready and this, my friends, is a good feeling.
I did promised a friend of mine that we would do a C25K program together. We were supposed to start this week. It is Friday…it didn’t happen. We both suffer from RA (Rheumatoid Arthritis) and have both been struggling with a flare up. Between stress and temperature variations, I’m not surprised. Both RA and PTSD sufferers deal with brain fog which inhibits mental clarity and focus. Since I have both and I am in the midst of an RA flare up, the fact that I am able to form sentences is pretty darn amazing! *insert applause here* I was determined to do a blog post this week though. It’s good to push yourself sometimes, as long as you are encouraging healing and not beating yourself up.
It is Saint Patrick’s Day so I will leave you with this Irish Blessing…
May your joys be as deep as the oceans, your troubles as light as its foam, and may you find sweet peace of mind, wherever you may roam.
Love and healing to you all… Go out and try something new!