I had planned on posting a blog post a few days ago. I had begun writing when tragedy struck. A tragedy entered my world and I was struggling with the processing of it. I do not understand it. I am angry. I am sad. But most of all, I am numb.
We have a friend who did a terrible thing, committed a horrific act, and then took his life. This was someone who had been to my house. Our greetings were hugs. We had exchanged Christmas gifts. We ate dinner together often…he did a terrible thing. I never saw it coming.
Years ago, before I met him, he had hurt someone else while under the influence. She had been hospitalized for her injuries and he was ordered into a drug rehabilitation program. That is when I met him. He was kind and he was quiet. The demons seemed silenced. He openly spoke of what he did with remorse, but still blaming the addiction for his actions. I informed him that everyone who is under the influence does not become violent. He needed to search his soul and see why. He thought that was a good point. The demons were hiding.
The years passed by; he worked and visited. He rarely dated. He would go to AA. Life was fairly quiet. The demons remained silent.
He began dating and the dysfunctions began to show. Falling too fast, falling too hard, ending as fast as it started. The words he spoke changed. Always their fault. The demons began to whisper.
He met a woman and fell in love. “She is an angel,” he would say. He expressed these feelings to me and although his words were sweet and innocent, I was worried. He had put her on a pedestal so high that no one could live up to these expectations. The demons were scheming.
The dysfunction began to return. His talk became disrespectful. I could see she was unhappy. The end was near for them, I could see it on the horizon. I spoke to him about his behavior. I told him that he needed to see what was inside his soul that made him act this way. He thanked me. He thought that was a good point. The demons were snickering.
She broke it off. He acted horribly. He would not let her go; he frightened her. He spoke badly of her. I stopped speaking with him. I have no tolerance for that kind of behavior. The demons waited.
He met a new girl. She thought he was kind and quiet. He called her his angel. I wanted to tell her, “This will wear off. This won’t last. You deserve better.” But I remained silent. I never saw it coming. She never saw it coming. The demons were laughing.
No one knows what was said; what set off the night’s events. The demons rejoiced as he did a terrible thing, a horrific thing. Two people are dead. A boy is injured. We all remain silent. We never saw it coming. The demons were dancing.
I have been going through the motions. I post on Facebook. I watched the Super Bowl. I go to my committee meeting as if everything is fine, “That’s a good point,” I say…and I smile. But the demons, they laugh at me, as I remain silent.